Eurovision is something that divides the nation. Charlotte for example is firmly on Team Eurovision – she will most probably watch the competition while dressed in clogs and lederhosen and eating schnitzel. I on the other hand will be avoiding it like the plague, more likely trying to find some proper comedy on the gem that is Dave.

I’ve gone down the route of watching Eurovision before (I wasn’t always such a Scrooge) but it left me feeling puzzled and cross. The seemingly endless scoring simultaneously bored and angered me with the political voting and blonde women waving at Terry Wogan and struggling to communicate via out-of-sync video links.

The niggling question ‘why are countries not in Europe in EUROvision?’ bugs me, as does the realisation that the main Eurovision competition we get shown on Saturday night comprises only the best acts. The idea that there were lesser quality entries is something I cannot get my head round. If these are the créme de la créme of our continent’s singers then God help us all.

Seeing the crazy outfits, hearing the caterwauling and the nonsensical lyrics isn’t something I find funny, just bizarre. One or two might be amusing, 18 at a time, less so. Too many acts are scantily clad beauties clearly not chosen for their vocal abilities and these don’t float my boat either.  And much as I love a bit of tractor gangster party rap (don’t we all?!) it makes me very happy that British music isn’t like that.

But then you see Scooch offering Sir nuts and a pregnant Jordan in a pink PVC catsuit and realise what Eurovision reduces us to.

Scooch, flying the flag...apparently

My personal highlight was when Finnish band Lordi took took first place dressed as monsters, showing definitively that it’s not singing that wins you the competition but gimmicks. If you like gimmicks then fine, enjoy, but if you have even the faintest appreciation of music then it’s not for you. The likes of Bill Bailey and Tim Minchin have shown us how to blend comedy with good music and let’s just say it didn’t end up anything like Eurovision.

The slightly terrifying Lordi

This year the BBC’s desperately tried to make it ‘edgy’ by unveiling Scott Mills and Sara Cox as hosts.  Maybe this is a step in the right direction. But on further consideration perhaps not. This year we are expected to support ‘Team Hump’, coming to us live from that popular European destination Azerbaijan. Sounds promising…